Currently Reading Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality By Donald Miller see related

"...there are places in our lives where only God can go."

                                                                                                             Donald Miller

Do you ever feel as if you have a million thoughts swimming around trying to surface, but for some reason your heart is buried in the deep end?  Oftentimes I wonder if it is possible to drive yourself mad from trying to process through every single thought that you possess.  Perhaps that is what the true definition of insanity should be and the irony that those who claim it may have the secret to the depths of the human condition.

I recently accepted the fact that I suffer from a terminal illness: life.  Maybe suffer is not the correct term because not everything in life is filled with such dramatic sorrow.  There are days when I rejoice and others when I sob, yet each begins with a gentle awakening filled with antcipation of endless possibilities.  Diagnosis: life.

Please do not misunderstand, I do not have it all figured it out, not even a tiny morsel, but recent events have allowed me the opportunity to delve deep into a dark and frightening place: my heart.  Some people may not view this place with the hesitation described here, but for me it is a place that I often avoid for fear of rejection, pain, and lovelessness.

"What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours?"

                                                                                                             Donald Miller

Allow me to provide some context.  From as early as I can remember I have not felt good enough; good enough at anything.  Surely you can somewhat relate especially in A,merica where we are all trying to be the best.  So with this condition from the beginning of time, I unconsciously built steel walls around the dark and frightening place known as my heart.  I figured if I never provided access to the piece of me that I now believe is the most fragile, life would somehow be easier.  Stop shaking your head, I never claimed to be an expert.  Well, as you have probably surmised by now, those steel walls got incredibly thicker over the last couple of decades.  There were times along the way where people tried, sometimes feverishly, to put cracks in the steel.  I am embarrassed to admit that I provided a fascade so that I could have friendships.  In high school, it dawned on me that I didn't know what true friendship was.  I was the counselor, the dancer, the smart kid and everybody's friend, when I finally asked, where were my friends?  Perhaps it was my innate desire to attempt to understand people from birth that pushed me into isolation.  I don't know.

During college, I had the chance to re-invent myself and be the person that was desparately trying to implode the steel.  Unfortunately, there were relapses but definite moments where I felt connected to the human race.  These connections were exciting and frivoluous while scary and revolting.  Ahhhhh relationships.  It was during this time that I began to know and profess that the only way to love someone else was to first love yourself.  Although I conceptually understood, I couldn't live what I believed.  Hypocrisy anyone?

Recently, this truth has revealed its daunting face once again in my life.  My current occupation is empowering and challenging the collegiate minds of 18-22 year-olds in Southern California.  This has been a fun and difficult task for over two years.  Sometimes I wonder if I matter (see paragraph 4) and then I am quickly reminded that it has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with what gifts I have been given and how I use them daily.  My protege' told me last week in a humbling regurgitation that I will never learn to love someone until I first learn how to love myself. 

Currently Listening Four Songs By Alexi Murdoch Orange Sky(JDT special) see related

"...do not be wreckless with other people's hearts, do not allow other's to be wreckless with yours..."

                                                                             Anonymous

It has been over two months and over 5,000 miles since my last post.  Interesting how so much can change in 61 days.  Wow, it doesn't seem that long but when you break down the days and the hours "time" reveals the depths of life.

One of my best friends and her husband travelled to California for the first time.  It was a blast having people visit and showing them all the nuances that I have grown accustomed to daily.  I don't know that I would classify the time as a "vacation" because I was more exhausted when they left than when they had arrived, but it was definitely cool to visit some new places in Southern California like Coronado Island and a new hiking trail.  Plus, there is just something unspeakably cool about exposing two different aspects of your life into one melting pot and watching the contents either marianate and produce an incredible scent or boil over the edges with frustration.  I am happy to report that the boiling was kept to a simmer. 

I took a real vacation recently back to the homelands of OK, TX, and KS for a wedding and a reprieve before the insanity commenced at the office.  Now this was a vacation.  I got to see my family and be reminded of why I do things the way I do them.  I will always be a Daddy's girl because nothing can replace the time I spend with him, no matter how long or short, trying to figure out the world and soaking up his wisdom and laughter.  The wedding was in a word, perfect.  If I ever get married I hope that I have as much fun and joy as was evident at this grandiose occassion.  I am not one for major materialistic things so the set-up would be completely different (anyone for an outdoor escapade?), but the raw love and happiness that poured forth from the bride and groom would make anyone believe that true love does still exist in society.  It was also fun to see old friends and faces, like a college reunion of sorts.

Following the wedding, I headed south to a place that will always feel like home to seek answers to the questions swirling through my head and heart these days.  Waco, Texas may not appear to be much to the naked eye, but it is the place where I grew up and began discerning my character and purpose.  As Erwin so eloquently said this morning, "You have NO control over life's circumstances; the one thing you do have control over is the person you chose to become." (Erwin McManus)  Well, I found no answers in Waco, but I did have an amazing time with old friends and a new one who volunteered for this cross country trek.  Our next and favorite destination was Longview, Texas.  Words cannot aptly explain our 4th of July adventures, (one of those you just had to be there) so suffice it to say that kayaking is a new found love along with a new set of Longview friends.

We forged ahead to OKC, OK to visit my childhood best friend and her husband and my new "nephew", Sawyer.  You can check him out at www.sawyerthedog.blogspot.com .  We had so much fun seeing all that OKC has to offer from Bricktown to the Buffalo Corral to a national memorial in remembrance of 4/19/95.  Katrina is a true Okie at heart.  If she could just convince her family to leave the ocean she would fit right into the Oklahoma lifestyle.  Especially seeing famous country artists on a daily basis.  It was very amusing to take someone from SoCal to Oklahoma and Texas and get a more excited reaction over the country artists.

Next we went up I-35 to Wichita to see my brother, sister-in-law and coming soon: niece or nephew.  I am still voting female at this point and the latest name option is Ellison Faith Taylor (Ellie for short).  We will know on the 25th for sure, so be watching for an update.  Wichita was fun, but I felt bad for Katrina because my brother's best friend came to town who is a pediatric cardiologist and between him, Scott and Laura, who are PharmDs and myself (neuroscience is cool ) the hospital talk lasted all evening.  She opted out of playing trivial pursuit with a bunch of science geeks.

Our next destination was Flagstaff, AZ.  This was simply a pit stop on the way to exposing Katrina to one of my favorite places, The Grand Canyon National Park.  We spent over 4 hours soaking in the vastness and beauty of this place.  If you ever have the opportunity, you need to go.  It is a place for people from all walks of life and ages to sit and marvel at beauty and to question life.  It is a place where you can people watch and hear multiple languages and prayers; truly just incredible.  I would love to spend multiple days and nights there to watch the sunset and stars, the sunrise, and speed down the water rapids.  Someday...

Finally, we headed back to SoCal a little tired but our hearts and minds full.  Unforutnately, our 7 hour drive quickly escalated into 16 hours due to construction zones, accidents, and a brush fire on the freeway.  But, we made it back in one piece with many tales to share.  Now it is back to the grind.

My new grad assistant and my new boss started last week.  It was a smorgasboard of actions and emotions amidst the fact that my heart desparately wanted to be in Omaha, rejoicing with a great friend commencing a new adventure with his now wife.  You know when you have to make the head choice although the heart vehemently, disagrees?  That was the internal tango I performed along with trying to acclimate new people.  Reality has started to creep back into my fantasy and I am clinging to my dreams.  I want to become a person that is not a cynic or a realist, but a little of both complete with a dreamer.  Let you know how that turns out...

More babbles later.

Currently Listening Yankee Hotel Foxtrot By Wilco see related

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."

Emily Dickinson

So life is full of twists and turns as the phenomenal poet Emily describes above.  Just when you begin to believe you have figured something out, a sudden shift changes your lens all over again.  I am trying each day to not plan ahead because the reality is that I have little control although I like to think I have it all figured out sometimes.  Right now, I am living on a delicate fence with the future uncertain.  I know, I know you are thinking didn't I just say the future is ALWAYS uncertain?  Well, yes but the immediate future has the potential to shift more dramatically than days past.

Why does this matter?  Probably not a whole lot to you.  I write this to remind you that each day is full of potential and what you choose to do with that potential has drastic aftershocks on all your decisions.  For instance, I found out today that I am going to be an aunt.  My brother and sister-in-law are "expecting."  Such a wide range and flood of emotions that I chose xanga to try and cipher through the madness.  Great venue, right?

So my brother is going to be a father.  That is SOOOOOO weird.  Exciting, nonetheless strange.  I cannot wait for this little person to be born so that I can spoil him/her rotten (I have a weird feeling that it is a she) and train him/her to annoy my brother in all the ways he did to me when we were kids.  Payback can be sooooo fun !  All of this to say, this news has altered my way of thinking and being.  It has caused me to question life and what am I doing with it.

Currently I have an incredible job that has taught me a lot about people, politics, and reality.  But I don't think it will continue to satiate my ambitions too much further.  This saddens and frightens me.  Do you ever wonder if you will know if you are truly fulfilling your purpose?  That has been my conquest since birth and I am starting to think you don't know your purpose until you have already fulfilled it.  Kind of twisted that you cannot take time to relish the joys and successes.  Or at least that is how I feel about my accomplishments thus far.  Thinking about a new taylor arriving in the world in 7 months makes me want to be a better person so that he/she can learn how to live life to the fullest.  I'll keep ya posted on how that works out.

The only other news to share these days is that I may or may not have a new boss soon.  Negoitations have begun but they may not work out as desired which means decisions are going to get even more spicy in the coming days.  Or maybe he will take the position and then I will have 6 months to make a new decision.  Possibly, I am learning to not take anything for granted: friendships, relationships, LIFE.  I would caution you to do the same.  Sounds cheesy, but what are you doing to make sure the people that you care about the most know that they are loved by you?  Figure this out and share, I can always use good ideas.  good luck

Currently Listening Move Along By All American Rejects see related

Read something intriguing today and felt obligated to share.  "...know that we are with the One who loves you as you are, and not as you should be, since you will never be the person you should be."

At first sight, this appears to be a very simple concept, but it has stuck with me all day and night.  How many people are constantly striving to be this fantasy of an individual?  I'll admit that I tend to be type-A, overachiever, disciplined, strategic, every other adjective used to describe ambitious, so maybe you cannot relate.  But, I awake each morning with a mental list of life that I hope to accomplish that day knowing that I will not be able to do everything that I wish.  However, another day passes and slowly the lists disintegrate into innate actions.

Without realizing it, I think I have been striving to "be the person that I should be" instead of who I am in certain aspects of my life.  Talk about a humbling moment.  Not to say that I am arrogant enough to think I have life all figured out, but I do cling to my desire of being authentic without needlessly providing the "overshare".  I am extremely grateful to the few who have allowed me to seep the "overshare" into our friendships but that is a truly select few.  Thank you to those who have put up with all that TMI through the years!

Back to topic.  really just a challege.  how are you living? as you think you should, or as you are?  do you know or see the difference?

Currently Listening Memoirs of a Geisha see related

so, it has been over two months since i have posted anymore of my internal babbles.  i think it was wise to take a hiatus from spilling my inner turmoil to the open world on a mechanism free to all of society, at least all of society who has access to the dreaded www.  my lasts posts were dreadful because that is a great descriptor of how i truly viewed life: full of dread.

well, a lot has happened, as one can imagine, in the past few weeks and days.  i lost a supervisor, some relationships, an office, and my ability to see and believe my purpose.  i gained a new title, a whole host of new responsibilities, new office space, and a semblance of a new beginning.  that really does sum up everything that has occured.  funny, how each day can appear to be filled with so many delightful nuances when hope exists.  however, when that tiny glimmer fades, all you can focus on is misery.  i wish i had a complete grasp on solutions as to why these wretched times occur in life, but the reality is i don't and i probably never will.  the sick and twisted part is that i don't regret the rough times, because it is through them that life develops meaning.

i spent the holidays in a truly unique way...alone.  maybe that doesn't sound unique to you, but i have never desired to be alone. in fact, eternal solitude scares the living daylights out of me, but for this christmas and new year, it was the best decision.  tired of burdening people, especially the ones that i love the most, i chose to spend those 10 days thinking, contemplating, and just being.  please don't judge my decision as a pathetic attempt at getting attention, that was not the purpose.  i needed that time to come to the realization that independence is a valuable commodity, and that only you can choose how to allow situations to affect you.  more importantly you have to choose how to overcome the times in life when you feel as if you have nothing.  nothing to offer, nothing to desire, nothing to love, a brokeness that is felt in the depths of your soul.

that time alone gave my soul and my heart the serious rest that i had been longing for since the downward spiral had begun.  this does not mean that i wake up now grinning from ear to ear, skipping to work.  the main thing i learned over the holidays is that life is a process and you must learn how to process what occurs in life in order to truly live.  the pain is slowly beginning to ease, and these days my fascade of smiles are starting to have legitamite joy behind them.  with time i am confident that laughter will resume, but i will not rush the process because i believe that i am capable of becoming whole again and i need to learn all that i can from this so that in the future i can reflect and prevail.